if only i could text you this smell
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
