Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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