So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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