I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
