So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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