you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
