I hope mine doesn't look like that
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
