He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
