remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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