Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
