i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
