Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I supernannyed him into submission
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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