I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
