His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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