Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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