opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize