I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
