the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
