Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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