I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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