I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
