I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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