I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
