Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so let's talk penis.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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