we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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