Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
