I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
