A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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