I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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