I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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