Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize