his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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