she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
