An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
