mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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