I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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