I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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