I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
