Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
