Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
tell me about the eggs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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