When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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