you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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