genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I could fuck to npr.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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