I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize