Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
