4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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