he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You don't make any sense
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