nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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