i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
