my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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