You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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