I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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