i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
