Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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