Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
