I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
