In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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