You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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