fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
