The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
