Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
